By Anastasia Hrechana
Do you apologize religiously too? Raise a hand.
I’m not catholic, but guilt part I understand.
My mind autocorrects every “You hurt me”, “Please, don’t”
To “Sorry”, “My bad” and “I won’t”.
Belittling myself so much is my personal act of self-violence,
Tell me, what should I say instead? How do I fill up this heavy silence?
Honesty on one shoulder and abandonment issues on the other,
Together they make the hardest game of “Would you rather”.
Reading between the lines won’t ease my worries,
“Please, don’t leave me” sounds a lot like thousand “Sorrys”.
I wonder, what do you expect from me?
Answer my questions honestly.
Shut up? Speak up? Be more? Be less?
What am I saying, does it make any sense?
Did I interrupt you? Do I take up too much space?
If it’s too awkward, don’t worry, I’ll disappear without a trace.
I’m so sorry for the way I think, speak and behave,
To be forgiven for sins of being myself is all I crave.
Should I shrink myself? Should I grow bigger than trees?
Am I annoying you with all these apologies?
Is this guilt overflowing me or am I overloving it?
The good old thrill of being wrong feels like the right fit,
And just like that, my own kind of chant again,
Saying “Sorry” one more time instead of “Amen”.
Anastasia Hrechana is a law student, an avid reader and a poetry amateur from Ukraine. She believes that writing, as a form of art therapy, is very helpful tool to process emotions and feelings.